Finally Dateable: My secret weapon.
It wasn’t easy. I felt the sting of a discouraged heart many times. But what made the biggest difference for me was, believing in my worth which in return gave me confidence. Confidence to date.
To shed some light and provide some understanding I will summarize my relationship history.
My parents were divorced when I was 9. They both remarried around the time I was 12, and a few years later each of them was divorced from their second spouses.
This affected me in a way that made me afraid of losing closeness. In dating, this has put a wrench in my dating progression. I craved closeness so much that I would settle for being “just the best friend” and nothing more. For me, I thought that was better than nothing.
To describe my situation further, I would have interest in a guy, begin to “hang out” with him, and develop feelings for him. After long months of just hanging out, I would gain the guts to ask them if they would consider taking me on a date. The responses that were consistent through all my relationships were, “ you are great, amazing, fun, etc. but I just don’t “feel the spark” or “ want an exclusive relationship right now” or “I am concentrating on other things going on in my life right now.”
Me being a very understanding person, would accept their excuse and defend them to friends that would tell me to run.
But this became a pattern in my dating life that I eventually recognized. But even though I recognized it, I did not know what to do. I didn’t know how to get from being the pal to the gal.
I decided to ask my good friend Nate Clark for some dating advice.
I came to him with a general question for all the situations I had been in. And the question was, “How?” “How do I get out of the eternal hanging out state. Aka the eternal friend zone?”
He told me, you can get out of it right away, from the beginning. He told me that I deserved someone who would treat me like a lady, but I had to believe it myself and stand up for that. By saying, “I’d love to get to know you, but I try and spend my time on weekends with dates.”
I tried this technique with a few guys the following weeks. When asked to hang out I responded using this line but Changed it slightly to be more fitting for me.
It was a hard thing for me to do because I thought I would be giving up an opportunity to have closeness if I shut a guy down without even giving him a chance to hang out. I did it though. I decided to try something new.
With one guy I tried it on, I thought it was over because of his short response and lack of contact a few days after.
I began to doubt whether I did the right thing or not.
Two days later I received a phone call from this guy. He asked me specifically if he could take me on a date, tomorrow.
I WAS ecstatic! It WORKED!
And I felt like a million bucks, which for me meant the most! For the first time in my dating life, I felt like I had finally learned a lesson about my worth and how to have confidence in dating.